


Chipping Away

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Almost Kiss, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A silly little pre-accident explanation for how Lister might have broken his front tooth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chipping Away

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

“Right, Lister. Tell me, what is the ideal tool one should use, to properly repair a faulty drinks dispenser?” Rimmer raised himself up and down on balls of his feet as he quizzed his less-than-enthusiastic subordinate.

“Mmm?” Lister muttered distractedly. His eyes were fixed on Rimmer’s bum as it swayed in front of him. Bums were Lister's achilles' heel, and he often found himself being entranced by Rimmer’s. Lister thought it a shame that a bum like that, so tight, round and squeezable, had to be connected to someone like Rimmer.

“The drinks dispenser Listy!” Rimmer tutted as he turned and gave Lister a firm look. “What tool should a technician use when one of them has gone faulty?”

“I dunno, a combination spanner?”

“Ha! Trick question Lister. The ideal tool for repairing _any_ machine, is your very own _brain_!” Rimmer tapped at his temple knowingly and Lister rolled his eyes. “Although I must admit, in your case the combination spanner might be the better option.” Rimmer snickered at his own cleverness as he turned back to the machine, and Lister shot him a two-fingered salute.

Rimmer cracked open the front of the dispenser, crouched down and began to futz with the wiring. “Looks like a simple short-circuit, easily fixed.” He busied himself in the guts of the machine for a few minutes while Lister yawned behind him. Rimmer slammed the dispenser shut and hopped to a standing position. He punched the button for a Coke and the machine hummed and rumbled as it processed the request.

Rimmer turned to Lister with a triumphant look on his face, “See, what did I tell you? Brains, that’s what really gets the job…” Rimmer’s boast was cut off as a can was ejected from the machine, catching him in the small of his back with the force of a cannon-ball. Rimmer only had time to yell, “Oof!” before he tipped forward, limbs flailing, and fell directly onto Lister. Lister crashed backwards, catching himself with the palms of his hands, before his backside hit the floor with an inelegant “plop”. Rimmer’s full weight landed on top of him, their noses just millimeters apart.

“Nice one, Rimmer” Lister said with a giggle as he stared into Rimmer’s reddening face. “You know, if you wanted a cuddle you just had to ask me.” Lister braced himself for one of the typical angry responses that his jokes always evoked from Rimmer: the furrowed brow, the pursed lips, the ever-present notebook that was happily brandished at every occasion. Instead, Rimmer stared back at Lister, an odd expression softening the normally stern features of his face. The moment probably lasted only a few seconds, but for Lister it dragged on for eons, as Rimmer stared at him intently. Lister felt tingly as he began to puzzle together Rimmer’s expression, and the meaning it contained. He realized, as the last piece locked into place, that Rimmer looked like he wanted to eat him alive.

Impulse control was never Lister’s strong suit, and when his brain decided that it might be a good idea to kiss Rimmer, he found himself leaning forward without even considering what he was doing. Before his lips met their target, a second can suddenly shot from the dispenser and cracked Rimmer in the back of the head. The second technician’s head snapped forward and the boniest part of his forehead bashed Lister square in his pursed mouth.

Any and all thoughts of intimacy were extinguished as both men rolled to their backs on the floor, clutching their damaged parts as they yelled out streams of curses and grunts of pain.

“Oh that hurts. Oh that hurts, bad. Oh my head! I think I’ve got concussion!” Rimmer hissed as he held his forehead with one hand, and the back of his head with the other.

“I think me tooth's broke!" Lister spat a mouthful of blood into his hand and gawped at a large triangular chunk of white enamel. “It is broke! Ah smeg. That smile was one of me best features.”

“I can’t see, Lister! The can must have knocked my retinas loose! I'm blind! Oh smeg, how am I ever going to become an officer now? That’ll be just bloody brilliant, navigating the ship through asteroid fields with a cane and having all the navicomp screens converted to braille.”

“You’ve got your eyes shut!”

“Oh, just shutup and help me to get to the medical bay, Lister.” Rimmer grunted as he tried to sit up.

“Get you to the medical bay? What about me? Look at me! I’m bleeding, Rimmer!”

“A broken tooth can be survived, Lister. A concussion is _far_ more serious, I could have brain damage!”

“No one would ever know the difference,” Lister grimaced as he felt the broken end of his tooth with his tongue.

“That’s it Lister, you’re on report again miladdo. Not only are you refusing to assist a superior technician to the medical facilities, but you’re being deliberately insulting!” Rimmer pulled his notebook from his jacket pocket and began to scribble furiously.

Lister shook his head and wondered why he’d ever thought kissing Rimmer would have been a good idea. He said a silent thanks to the can that had stopped him from doing something so rash, as he tossed away his broken bit of tooth. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. Well, not right away anyway.


End file.
